i think they stopped making surge...but who knows


uhhhhhhhh not too much is up other than rmu is getting better. there's a few kids in my art/humanities class that i can laugh with now so that's good. and one uber hottt kid i can make fun of


i stopped writing in the middle of that sentence because how i'd finish it doesn't really matter anymore..my grandmother just had a stroke..it wasn't too bad...she's trying to stand now...and the doctors say she's a good candidate for rehab..so my mom is going down again to stay with her. i would die if i lost my grandmother. i'd honestly die a little bit because she's so important to me.

her and my mom are all i have, (except wesley, but he lives on his own now)and when they're both down there i feel so alone. i'm glad my mom is going to take care of her...but i'll miss them both so much. not to mention it isn't the best for my parents...long story...and it isn't the best for me to be around my dad when things aren't going well.


i'm not making sense



but i'm pretty upset









so i'm going to go.

First off, my apologies for the CORNY poetic entry before this one.
i should probably have shot myself after writing it. heh, water under the bridge, which i guess is better than me on the edge bridge in the long run. depending on who you ask.

haha, i should stop sounding mopey, because i'm actually ridiculously happy. i'm actually incredibly ridiculously happy. i'm looking at my cute little beta fish that mike bought me. i havent decided what to name him yet, probably after a rapper, biggie smalls or mike jones or something haha. i was going to name him *lean back* but that was frowned upon by some who say it's not actually a name. who cares. not me. :-P

so....updates.

college life is nutso, but is proving to be pretty easy so far since i dont have too many classes. i'm reading some awesome books, catcher in the rye, breakfast of champions, girls in pants, holmes books, in the arms of the starfish. i applied to NYU, william and mary, pitt, westminster, and i'm not sure where else i'll apply yet for next fall. i'm going to south america for my YWAM DTS, (Santiago, Chile) and i'm staying in a cottage just outside the city. i'm soooo incredibly excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i leave in a little under 3 months. i cant wait. modeling is le fun. i'll try to upload a new pic of myself for my icon.



on the friends scene....

there are a few people from montour that i still count as friends, but very few. a few are so immature that i have no desire to keep in contact. i'm not being a bitch, just being honest. there are some people i dont care to be around too terribly much. best of luck anyway. i have my few close friends from a few different places and that's all that matters to me. in other news, after hooking up and fighting and going our seperate ways, and now being friends, i can honestly say i'm over matt. we're friends and i'm much more at ease about the whole situation. he's an awesome guy and i hope he's having fun at college. a few people are mad at me, but it's about something that happened quite awhile ago now. and i'm sorry the situation blew up into such a crisis. but it did, so get over it eventually please. i mean, i'm sorry things worked out the way they did. from a reasonable viewpoint, a little anger was justified at the time of all the drama(not at me necessarily cause i didn't do ANYTHING, but i'd understand anger in general at the situation), but to create even more drama i think is petty. i won't flat out say i hate drama, because a little drama can be fun, if it's the right kind, but i hate that it seems to follow my every move, even if i'm not doing anything. haha, how laguna beach did that sound? i'm not trying to be a bitch about anything, but....what can i say..i'm rarely bitchy in person, so i have to put it somewhere. finally, i'm trying to be understanding of everyone, i seriously am, and i don't hate anyone.





on the love scene...


long story short, i've been dating mike for 3-1/2 to 4 months now. i thought a few days ago, i thought i needed a break from him, but as it turns out, i just needed to spend more time with him.

i love him.


i honestly do, it's not like i wake up every morning in a daze, (well i did this morning, but that's for a different reason) from how much i care about him.

our relationship is different from anything i've ever had before. it's not obviously *intense* or anything like that, we just spend time together and have so much fun. let me list the things we've done so far: renaissance festival, waffle house, trip to erie, the zoo, he makes me lunch, we played soccer together, went on a 5 mile walk through the country, went to the park a bunch of times, buys me flowers and my lovely little rainbow beta fish, we go to the drive in, and like a million other things and we have a list of stuff still to do, like going camping, the pumpkin patch, fright nights, the fair, and next weekend we're taking a roadtrip up to wooster and possibly going to florida for thanksgiving break. but then there are times we just chill out together and watch a movie or a show. like cuddle and such. which is equally as awesome and an important part of the relationship too, i think. i love it too, that i can spend 12 hours of a saturday with him and not even notice the time pass. i love him in such a different way. we have something, i think, that's really special. it's unique in its own way. i got really close with him especially yesterday and last night. he is so wonderful...and......i can't even put anymore about that because our conversation was private.

so i woke up in a daze today from him. actually i woke up at 5 and just layed there and thought about how amazing the day was. i had a throbbing headache from the lack of rest, so i tried to fall asleep but i kept replaying it in my mind. i woke up again at 11 with the same haziness, picked him up and took him to church. we spent the whole day with friends, but kept looking at eachother in *that way* i don't think anyone noticed...but i wouldn't have cared anyway. he's just the best...and i love him...

i think i said that already..




i'm off to read









<33333

i threw him a sideways glance from my space a few inches across the bed,
i saw his eyes first, then glanced slowly to his lips, which i noticed were perfect
then i shrank back and took all of him in.
i saw the whole
it was like going from a magnified zoom to a wide angled shot

i wondered what it would be like to wake up this way
i looked down, then bravely into those eyes again
i saw him for everything he was
i saw myself for everything i'm not.

i tried to hide my face
my every flaw seemed to haunt me in that instant
i was ashamed of what i lacked
and realized some scars don't fade

i was hiding, and he found me
pulled the down covers away from my burning face
gently put his hands through my haphazard straw curls
he softly whispered 'you're so beautiful'

there are times in my life i may have felt beautiful
but lying there with steel blue eyes,
i felt too delicate
too damaged
i wondered what he saw

in the distant shot, i saw a collage of every great man i've met
embodied in one i'm dying to know
in the close frame is the one i can trust above all else

and somewhere in the inches
now just barely inches, between us
i found my heart lying open



he's just so beautiful.

well it's now 4pm. i woke up at 3:30 am to catch flight #1 today. but no complaints here, i never waited the entire day!! and the seats were great. i had the row to myself and it was the row that like. goes into first class..so you get everything they do( haha which i think are actually expensive seats so i don't know how i got them!) but anyway, so the flight was good and i got off the plane when i got here and i was like *deep breath of relief*.."i'm home"


seriously i did. the sun (which is making me darker and bleaching my hair w00t!)the heat, the constant spanish-enlish mixing of music and phrases and feeling (spanglish-culture if you will), the horrible drivers, the gulf, it just gets to me, i dunno, i love it here. it's so hot that most people would hate it but i cant get enough of it. i wandered for 4 1/2 miles this afternoon, then just walked 1 1/2 mi. more to get to this library to check up on emails. ( littlebuck09@msn.com that's my address in case you care to email me and confess your undying love)there's something about it here, i always go down such a wreck and it seems to fix me right up,..usually by showing me even more what a wreck i look like haha

so my gram seems to be in a lot of pain, which really makes me sad, but she still has her sense of humor and of course, ken is around, and that helps. ohh haha speaking of boyfriends, gram wants to set me up with the "southern gentleman" named brian who fixes her computer. i use the term southern gentlemen loosely because the only proof she has of this is that he says ma'am every 3 seconds. to me, it seems this is evidence of severe social anxiety towards, or even fear of, my gram. (or short term memory loss) as if she is scary at all?? so brian, 18, is mostly just a joke i guess amongst us because stupid me, i actually admitted that i wanted to meet kids in ft. meyers. bringing this up lead to them being all *play tennis* and such..so i guess i'm doing that now too. i've never seriously played a game before, so this should be interesting to say the least. tennis at the courts and volleyball at the beach. i'm actually excited about it, except some of the kids here are snotty. like the surfer guys.

time out story time. 2 summers ago i came down to visit alone and my gram made me..and i mean MADE me go up and talk to this "cool" skin-boarding guy...worst experience of my life! he was cut like a diamond haha, and i got completely blown off...seriously, it was bad. so bad, i can't even type it out here.

well i have to go becuase i'm walking back and then we're going out to dinner to this place on the shore. wish me luck on being a snotty biatch. and i miss you terribly. except not terribly because i lovee it here. but i still wish you could come and love it too. tomorrow= shopping and social events. then hopefully the next day will be the beach.! i'm not sure when i'm going down to the keyes.





i have to go ilove you all! email me or call after 7.! oxox

well, i managed to make a huge mess. so much of a mess that i can't even go into it..so instead..let me go into what i don't want to be.

i don't want to be a bitch, but i can't change the past when i was a horrible selfish jerkface. i still am, but i like to think that everyday i get a little closer to being a nice girl.

i don't want to have to learn the hard way

i don't want to keep hurting people..at all. if i can help it then i will, because nothing makes me unhappy anymore, as long as my friends and the people i love are happy..i can be too. honestly.

i don't want to have an ego...i don't think i do now..but, if i ever start to show signs of developing one, someone please knock me on my ass and then laugh at me. haha

i don't want to be a status symbol. i wish guys would like me for who i am as an actual person and not just to say "i got with (insert slut's name here)" i don't want to be that slut.

i don't want to be a slut..if i ever actually do anything. i want it to be because i'm in love. and as bad as that sounds to all of my abstinence-has been beaten into me-friends..it's true. i won't have sex until i'm married. but i've thought about the boundaries....i'm no slut, and no guy will make me one just so i can keep him. but..

i don't want to be a liar.

i don't want to ever feel indifferent.

i don't want to regret.

i don't want to live just going through the motions, i actually want to feel alive. as if i'm making a difference somehow affecting something bigger than i am. and i want to be affected in return.

i don't want to be numb, part of me wants to be in control of my emotions and think with my head. but lately all i want to do is get swept away by someone deserving. it would really take someone incredible at this point to steal my heart.

i don't want to never fall in love. i'm not saying tomorrow..but i think i finally trust myself enough to love someone, i mean really love them..i've never been ready before, i've always been going through stuff or just too immature to be ready to know what love is. i've confused it and misnamed it, and transferred it, but finally i think...maybe i could have it. maybe i don't deserve it quite yet..








wwell i don't want to fail my drivers test haha so i better get to bed.

sunday night, whoot. i can't sleep for the millionth night in a row! this has got to end..especially since now i'm getting really unreasonably tired and bridging on narcoleptic during the day.

so this past week has been insane. i can't even type it out here because it involves too many people, which kills me because i have a million thoughts that keep rotating slowly in and out of the forefront of my mind like some ridiculous mobile. it's like i'm constantly high off of all of these memories and ideas; in other words, it's pretty confusing all the time. if i speak in the abstract, maybe that'll help.

as i've mentioned faithfully in the past few entries. there's a guy. he's amazing. i see him and smile and feel every insecurity imaginable creep up on me..i smile and can't really understand why he chooses to hang out with me. but i feel really lucky anyway. i want him to be different than other guys, i want him to like me for me, not because he likes to kiss me or thinks i'm whatever..just for me..because everything about him drives me crazy...and while he's hott as none other, he's so much more than that to me...in other words, i love every minute i'm with him. but if we'd ever have a real shot together is anyone's guess.

well, as far as futures are concerned. here's how everything looks so far. transfer school=robert morris classes=graduating at the end of the first semester=YWAM..then off to college in the fall.

here's where i get lost: I have no idea where i want my YWAM location to be now...i'm totally confused and lost and have no idea what to do. i really need guidance, because right now i'm looking at S.africa for the ENTIRE trip..and that really, really, scares me. then i wonder, why does it scare me? am i scared of really doing this thing the whole way? maybe,in the beginning, in a corner of my mind, i thought this would be just an adventure before college, a good experience, but it's turned into so much more. looking for a new location renewed how much this means to me. can i go to where the need is most? or am i too afraid...

where i get lost #2: i have no idea where i'm going to college next year..i really need to visit a few places. it should help once i get my SAT's back. because that will either open doors, or close them. i think i did pretty horribly on them, so that thought isn't very encouraging at all. i have to visit boston, amherst, vassar, okay...i don't even know anymore..i'll probably do what my brother did..pitt then ivy's. i mean when it comes down to it..that's what i want. i love philosophy/soc..and pitt's #2 in the nation for it..so why should i waste my money going somewhere just for the sake of going somewhere? i wonder how much of a stroke my parents will have..two philosophy majors in the family...aka two people without jobs who think/write all day. but it's my passion and passion can't be denied.


what is life without passion if passions are dreams? see, nothing.


i just grabbed my big puffy white down comforter. i know those are a lot of crappy descriptive words without any commas which probably bore the reader, but i don't care, this thing is like sleeping on a cloud. it's actually my mom's and i'm borrowing it while she's in FL. she called today. my gram isn't doing so well, it's really hard for her to get around and it's going to take a few more months before they know if the surgery was successful or not. i miss them both so much i could cry. i won't, but i really can't imagine my gram, who still works as a nurse, stuck in a wheelchair..it's just too sad. she's always been so independent and strong, i can't even think of her that way, it breaks my heart to think of ever losing her. she's really all that we've got that's real family anymore. i seriously can't even think about it.

now it's almost one. but insomniac that i am, i'm still typing. sometimes i wish my words would come out more perfectly, but then again would i really want to waste the perfect words on an lj entry. i'd rather write them in a letter, or better yet say them at the precisely right time. now that i think about it, i've probably never done anything precisely right in my life.most people haven't. i guess most things have been gifts to me, more like beautiful accidents actually, sometimes disasters. even the disasters seemed to have turned to gold for me..which makes me feel even luckier. so many disasters seem to overwhelm with the intent of destroying us, but if we perservere, i truly believe that what might break us temporarily, is what makes us endure extensively.

ahh, why am i such a freak! i think about everything, alllll the time. but i guess disasters turned into miracles has become my cause. i guess i just can't believe that i have my life back again so completely. i mean it's been back for awhile, but it's been such a struggle to be able to say it. for me abuse was a vaccine, but what seems unfair is that for others it's an overdose. vaccine, horrible for a short while, but then somehow, the pain fades into nothing and that sick-feeling is gone. overdose, a tragic event that's a means to an end..those who never come out of it, or if they do, they're never the same. well, actually that's a lie, because no one comes out of it the same. with some, me, you have a spirit that's always fragile, but the broken feeling is gone, it's replaced by something bigger than yourself, which is compassion for others who suffer. for others, (also usually temporarily true for most who've been hurt in their lives) the pain overshadows every other aspect of their lives, new relationships are nearly impossible to develop because they are constantly foreshadowed to fail by the smallest infractions or perceived flaws, also they feel endlessly distant from already established relationships that seemed to have failed or disapointed them in one way or another.


wow, people will think i'm nuts. but i just want to put it out there. i don't know why, but i do. so there. that's what i've thought about, plus a million other things. i wrote all that and i still feel full. i guess <3 will do that to a person. why else would i spill all of that very personal info out to absolutely no one?







because.?










..well, before i get into yet another philosophe-digression. i better get to bed.









sweet dreams.........<3 me too? xox

i sounded like i was on crack yesterday when i wrote that haha.!




more later .