as you wish..

surge

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 23:32:57 GMT

i think they stopped making surge...but who knows

uhhhhhhhh not too much is up other than rmu is getting better. there's a few kids in my art/humanities class that i can laugh with now so that's good. and one uber hottt kid i can make fun of

i stopped writing in the middle of that sentence because how i'd finish it doesn't really matter anymore..my grandmother just had a stroke..it wasn't too bad...she's trying to stand now...and the doctors say she's a good candidate for rehab..so my mom is going down again to stay with her. i would die if i lost my grandmother. i'd honestly die a little bit because she's so important to me.

her and my mom are all i have, (except wesley, but he lives on his own now)and when they're both down there i feel so alone. i'm glad my mom is going to take care of her...but i'll miss them both so much. not to mention it isn't the best for my parents...long story...and it isn't the best for me to be around my dad when things aren't going well.

i'm not making sense

but i'm pretty upset

so i'm going to go.

I have not updated in forevah

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 21:53:25 GMT

First off, my apologies for the CORNY poetic entry before this one.
i should probably have shot myself after writing it. heh, water under the bridge, which i guess is better than me on the edge bridge in the long run. depending on who you ask.

haha, i should stop sounding mopey, because i'm actually ridiculously happy. i'm actually incredibly ridiculously happy. i'm looking at my cute little beta fish that mike bought me. i havent decided what to name him yet, probably after a rapper, biggie smalls or mike jones or something haha. i was going to name him *lean back* but that was frowned upon by some who say it's not actually a name. who cares. not me. :-P

so....updates.

college life is nutso, but is proving to be pretty easy so far since i dont have too many classes. i'm reading some awesome books, catcher in the rye, breakfast of champions, girls in pants, holmes books, in the arms of the starfish. i applied to NYU, william and mary, pitt, westminster, and i'm not sure where else i'll apply yet for next fall. i'm going to south america for my YWAM DTS, (Santiago, Chile) and i'm staying in a cottage just outside the city. i'm soooo incredibly excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i leave in a little under 3 months. i cant wait. modeling is le fun. i'll try to upload a new pic of myself for my icon.

on the friends scene....

there are a few people from montour that i still count as friends, but very few. a few are so immature that i have no desire to keep in contact. i'm not being a bitch, just being honest. there are some people i dont care to be around too terribly much. best of luck anyway. i have my few close friends from a few different places and that's all that matters to me. in other news, after hooking up and fighting and going our seperate ways, and now being friends, i can honestly say i'm over matt. we're friends and i'm much more at ease about the whole situation. he's an awesome guy and i hope he's having fun at college. a few people are mad at me, but it's about something that happened quite awhile ago now. and i'm sorry the situation blew up into such a crisis. but it did, so get over it eventually please. i mean, i'm sorry things worked out the way they did. from a reasonable viewpoint, a little anger was justified at the time of all the drama(not at me necessarily cause i didn't do ANYTHING, but i'd understand anger in general at the situation), but to create even more drama i think is petty. i won't flat out say i hate drama, because a little drama can be fun, if it's the right kind, but i hate that it seems to follow my every move, even if i'm not doing anything. haha, how laguna beach did that sound? i'm not trying to be a bitch about anything, but....what can i say..i'm rarely bitchy in person, so i have to put it somewhere. finally, i'm trying to be understanding of everyone, i seriously am, and i don't hate anyone.

on the love scene...

long story short, i've been dating mike for 3-1/2 to 4 months now. i thought a few days ago, i thought i needed a break from him, but as it turns out, i just needed to spend more time with him.

i love him.

i honestly do, it's not like i wake up every morning in a daze, (well i did this morning, but that's for a different reason) from how much i care about him.

our relationship is different from anything i've ever had before. it's not obviously *intense* or anything like that, we just spend time together and have so much fun. let me list the things we've done so far: renaissance festival, waffle house, trip to erie, the zoo, he makes me lunch, we played soccer together, went on a 5 mile walk through the country, went to the park a bunch of times, buys me flowers and my lovely little rainbow beta fish, we go to the drive in, and like a million other things and we have a list of stuff still to do, like going camping, the pumpkin patch, fright nights, the fair, and next weekend we're taking a roadtrip up to wooster and possibly going to florida for thanksgiving break. but then there are times we just chill out together and watch a movie or a show. like cuddle and such. which is equally as awesome and an important part of the relationship too, i think. i love it too, that i can spend 12 hours of a saturday with him and not even notice the time pass. i love him in such a different way. we have something, i think, that's really special. it's unique in its own way. i got really close with him especially yesterday and last night. he is so wonderful...and......i can't even put anymore about that because our conversation was private.

so i woke up in a daze today from him. actually i woke up at 5 and just layed there and thought about how amazing the day was. i had a throbbing headache from the lack of rest, so i tried to fall asleep but i kept replaying it in my mind. i woke up again at 11 with the same haziness, picked him up and took him to church. we spent the whole day with friends, but kept looking at eachother in *that way* i don't think anyone noticed...but i wouldn't have cared anyway. he's just the best...and i love him...

i think i said that already..

i'm off to read

<33333

rainy july night

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 03:33:26 GMT

i threw him a sideways glance from my space a few inches across the bed,
i saw his eyes first, then glanced slowly to his lips, which i noticed were perfect
then i shrank back and took all of him in.
i saw the whole
it was like going from a magnified zoom to a wide angled shot

i wondered what it would be like to wake up this way
i looked down, then bravely into those eyes again
i saw him for everything he was
i saw myself for everything i'm not.

i tried to hide my face
my every flaw seemed to haunt me in that instant
i was ashamed of what i lacked
and realized some scars don't fade

i was hiding, and he found me
pulled the down covers away from my burning face
gently put his hands through my haphazard straw curls
he softly whispered 'you're so beautiful'

there are times in my life i may have felt beautiful
but lying there with steel blue eyes,
i felt too delicate
too damaged
i wondered what he saw

in the distant shot, i saw a collage of every great man i've met
embodied in one i'm dying to know
in the close frame is the one i can trust above all else

and somewhere in the inches
now just barely inches, between us
i found my heart lying open

he's just so beautiful.

i wish you were here.!

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 20:18:57 GMT

well it's now 4pm. i woke up at 3:30 am to catch flight #1 today. but no complaints here, i never waited the entire day!! and the seats were great. i had the row to myself and it was the row that like. goes into first class..so you get everything they do( haha which i think are actually expensive seats so i don't know how i got them!) but anyway, so the flight was good and i got off the plane when i got here and i was like *deep breath of relief*.."i'm home"

seriously i did. the sun (which is making me darker and bleaching my hair w00t!)the heat, the constant spanish-enlish mixing of music and phrases and feeling (spanglish-culture if you will), the horrible drivers, the gulf, it just gets to me, i dunno, i love it here. it's so hot that most people would hate it but i cant get enough of it. i wandered for 4 1/2 miles this afternoon, then just walked 1 1/2 mi. more to get to this library to check up on emails. ( littlebuck09@msn.com that's my address in case you care to email me and confess your undying love)there's something about it here, i always go down such a wreck and it seems to fix me right up,..usually by showing me even more what a wreck i look like haha

so my gram seems to be in a lot of pain, which really makes me sad, but she still has her sense of humor and of course, ken is around, and that helps. ohh haha speaking of boyfriends, gram wants to set me up with the "southern gentleman" named brian who fixes her computer. i use the term southern gentlemen loosely because the only proof she has of this is that he says ma'am every 3 seconds. to me, it seems this is evidence of severe social anxiety towards, or even fear of, my gram. (or short term memory loss) as if she is scary at all?? so brian, 18, is mostly just a joke i guess amongst us because stupid me, i actually admitted that i wanted to meet kids in ft. meyers. bringing this up lead to them being all *play tennis* and such..so i guess i'm doing that now too. i've never seriously played a game before, so this should be interesting to say the least. tennis at the courts and volleyball at the beach. i'm actually excited about it, except some of the kids here are snotty. like the surfer guys.

time out story time. 2 summers ago i came down to visit alone and my gram made me..and i mean MADE me go up and talk to this "cool" skin-boarding guy...worst experience of my life! he was cut like a diamond haha, and i got completely blown off...seriously, it was bad. so bad, i can't even type it out here.

well i have to go becuase i'm walking back and then we're going out to dinner to this place on the shore. wish me luck on being a snotty biatch. and i miss you terribly. except not terribly because i lovee it here. but i still wish you could come and love it too. tomorrow= shopping and social events. then hopefully the next day will be the beach.! i'm not sure when i'm going down to the keyes.

i have to go ilove you all! email me or call after 7.! oxox

sugar we're going down swingin..

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 02:25:21 GMT

well, i managed to make a huge mess. so much of a mess that i can't even go into it..so instead..let me go into what i don't want to be.

i don't want to be a bitch, but i can't change the past when i was a horrible selfish jerkface. i still am, but i like to think that everyday i get a little closer to being a nice girl.

i don't want to have to learn the hard way

i don't want to keep hurting people..at all. if i can help it then i will, because nothing makes me unhappy anymore, as long as my friends and the people i love are happy..i can be too. honestly.

i don't want to have an ego...i don't think i do now..but, if i ever start to show signs of developing one, someone please knock me on my ass and then laugh at me. haha

i don't want to be a status symbol. i wish guys would like me for who i am as an actual person and not just to say "i got with (insert slut's name here)" i don't want to be that slut.

i don't want to be a slut..if i ever actually do anything. i want it to be because i'm in love. and as bad as that sounds to all of my abstinence-has been beaten into me-friends..it's true. i won't have sex until i'm married. but i've thought about the boundaries....i'm no slut, and no guy will make me one just so i can keep him. but..

i don't want to be a liar.

i don't want to ever feel indifferent.

i don't want to regret.

i don't want to live just going through the motions, i actually want to feel alive. as if i'm making a difference somehow affecting something bigger than i am. and i want to be affected in return.

i don't want to be numb, part of me wants to be in control of my emotions and think with my head. but lately all i want to do is get swept away by someone deserving. it would really take someone incredible at this point to steal my heart.

i don't want to never fall in love. i'm not saying tomorrow..but i think i finally trust myself enough to love someone, i mean really love them..i've never been ready before, i've always been going through stuff or just too immature to be ready to know what love is. i've confused it and misnamed it, and transferred it, but finally i think...maybe i could have it. maybe i don't deserve it quite yet..

wwell i don't want to fail my drivers test haha so i better get to bed.

can i be your anything.

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 05:23:36 GMT

sunday night, whoot. i can't sleep for the millionth night in a row! this has got to end..especially since now i'm getting really unreasonably tired and bridging on narcoleptic during the day.

so this past week has been insane. i can't even type it out here because it involves too many people, which kills me because i have a million thoughts that keep rotating slowly in and out of the forefront of my mind like some ridiculous mobile. it's like i'm constantly high off of all of these memories and ideas; in other words, it's pretty confusing all the time. if i speak in the abstract, maybe that'll help.

as i've mentioned faithfully in the past few entries. there's a guy. he's amazing. i see him and smile and feel every insecurity imaginable creep up on me..i smile and can't really understand why he chooses to hang out with me. but i feel really lucky anyway. i want him to be different than other guys, i want him to like me for me, not because he likes to kiss me or thinks i'm whatever..just for me..because everything about him drives me crazy...and while he's hott as none other, he's so much more than that to me...in other words, i love every minute i'm with him. but if we'd ever have a real shot together is anyone's guess.

well, as far as futures are concerned. here's how everything looks so far. transfer school=robert morris classes=graduating at the end of the first semester=YWAM..then off to college in the fall.

here's where i get lost: I have no idea where i want my YWAM location to be now...i'm totally confused and lost and have no idea what to do. i really need guidance, because right now i'm looking at S.africa for the ENTIRE trip..and that really, really, scares me. then i wonder, why does it scare me? am i scared of really doing this thing the whole way? maybe,in the beginning, in a corner of my mind, i thought this would be just an adventure before college, a good experience, but it's turned into so much more. looking for a new location renewed how much this means to me. can i go to where the need is most? or am i too afraid...

where i get lost #2: i have no idea where i'm going to college next year..i really need to visit a few places. it should help once i get my SAT's back. because that will either open doors, or close them. i think i did pretty horribly on them, so that thought isn't very encouraging at all. i have to visit boston, amherst, vassar, okay...i don't even know anymore..i'll probably do what my brother did..pitt then ivy's. i mean when it comes down to it..that's what i want. i love philosophy/soc..and pitt's #2 in the nation for it..so why should i waste my money going somewhere just for the sake of going somewhere? i wonder how much of a stroke my parents will have..two philosophy majors in the family...aka two people without jobs who think/write all day. but it's my passion and passion can't be denied.

what is life without passion if passions are dreams? see, nothing.

i just grabbed my big puffy white down comforter. i know those are a lot of crappy descriptive words without any commas which probably bore the reader, but i don't care, this thing is like sleeping on a cloud. it's actually my mom's and i'm borrowing it while she's in FL. she called today. my gram isn't doing so well, it's really hard for her to get around and it's going to take a few more months before they know if the surgery was successful or not. i miss them both so much i could cry. i won't, but i really can't imagine my gram, who still works as a nurse, stuck in a wheelchair..it's just too sad. she's always been so independent and strong, i can't even think of her that way, it breaks my heart to think of ever losing her. she's really all that we've got that's real family anymore. i seriously can't even think about it.

now it's almost one. but insomniac that i am, i'm still typing. sometimes i wish my words would come out more perfectly, but then again would i really want to waste the perfect words on an lj entry. i'd rather write them in a letter, or better yet say them at the precisely right time. now that i think about it, i've probably never done anything precisely right in my life.most people haven't. i guess most things have been gifts to me, more like beautiful accidents actually, sometimes disasters. even the disasters seemed to have turned to gold for me..which makes me feel even luckier. so many disasters seem to overwhelm with the intent of destroying us, but if we perservere, i truly believe that what might break us temporarily, is what makes us endure extensively.

ahh, why am i such a freak! i think about everything, alllll the time. but i guess disasters turned into miracles has become my cause. i guess i just can't believe that i have my life back again so completely. i mean it's been back for awhile, but it's been such a struggle to be able to say it. for me abuse was a vaccine, but what seems unfair is that for others it's an overdose. vaccine, horrible for a short while, but then somehow, the pain fades into nothing and that sick-feeling is gone. overdose, a tragic event that's a means to an end..those who never come out of it, or if they do, they're never the same. well, actually that's a lie, because no one comes out of it the same. with some, me, you have a spirit that's always fragile, but the broken feeling is gone, it's replaced by something bigger than yourself, which is compassion for others who suffer. for others, (also usually temporarily true for most who've been hurt in their lives) the pain overshadows every other aspect of their lives, new relationships are nearly impossible to develop because they are constantly foreshadowed to fail by the smallest infractions or perceived flaws, also they feel endlessly distant from already established relationships that seemed to have failed or disapointed them in one way or another.

wow, people will think i'm nuts. but i just want to put it out there. i don't know why, but i do. so there. that's what i've thought about, plus a million other things. i wrote all that and i still feel full. i guess <3 will do that to a person. why else would i spill all of that very personal info out to absolutely no one?

because.?

..well, before i get into yet another philosophe-digression. i better get to bed.

sweet dreams.........<3 me too? xox

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 13:56:07 GMT

i sounded like i was on crack yesterday when i wrote that haha.!

more later .

somebody told me.

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 04:10:52 GMT

i have that song ^^ stuck in my head, and of course, somebody told me i should update my journal. not like anything interesting happens to me that i can actually post on the internet for one and all to read. with the exception of right now. this might not be interesting, but it's on my heart so i'm just going to keep typing

today was my last day of highschool. i didn't have much time to dwell on it considering i had finals today, but the more i thought about it the more i began to realize what a trip it's been...

this year seems to have flown by, but so much progress has been made and before i take up what i've done and who i've become and attempt to move on into being whatever it is i'm going to be. a minute to reflect is needed, i think. it's probably wrong, but right now i'm torn between being so proud..and being so ashamed. proud because from this kind of sketchy past i was broken and lost for so long..but then came forgiveness and love..and real happiness, peace i guess i should say with everything that happened..(sorry but the gory details aren't livejournal material),...ashamed comes from the way i felt sorry for myself,how crazy i was being, my disillusions about relationships, and just the way i treated others in general..i'm trying to take into account that the ashamed parts (some of them) were beyond my control at the time....i guess just looking back i'm really really embarassed and sorry that i acted that way.

on the lighter side, i can think of so many inside jokes right now..it's not even funny. i can just list one-word things:...like: maxin, kinetchefore, baca, physician's office, depna,read the story, young buck, chinGy, pink marker fiasco, J, the 400 level office is not an aquarium,(k that was more than one word), point of clarification, SCHAFF-DAWG, let's get busy please, dances with wolves, D&C, dance...party?, drop it like it's hottt, they have sandwiches,snark, intense connection, and of course, hard work makes dreams come true. that's more than enough for now, haah, good times at MHS dawgs.

i was riding home on the bus from old "herion high" as we're called, when the one person, the only person who's seen my ups and downs, shallow whims and deepest philosophies,from rhema christian to montour highschol, jamie vance turned to me and said..you know i'm really going to miss you. not in a way that was casual at all, but in a quiet very meaningful tone, a soft one reserved for kindred spirits. needless to say, i started to get a little choked up. then he continued, saying "you're on to do great things now." as he got up to leave i threw my arms around him and hugged him goodbye as he said "it's not the end...it's only the beginning." everyday since third grade, we've ridden the bus together..he's one of the most amazing friends anyone could ask for, and i thank him for closing the door for me more perfectly than i could have ever done.

yeah, don't laugh..i was serious. well on to today, we went out to lunch afterwards, (we=me,sara,kristen, nish,melissa,mel,brian,marcy,kayla,amy, caroline,hmm and i forget who else) to TGIFridays. which was nice and then me and sarah papke went shopping at the mall and went pretty nuts. i'm almost positive her dancing is contagious! haha after she left i caught myself..and i was like, well at least she didn't witness this. i think we both needed to vent and shop..funny how often those two coincide with girls. well, rachel's sleeping over, so i'm off to go watch some movies and things..tomorrow is a bigg day too. i think i'm busy until like 7 or so..but hopefully i can stop by and pay a visit to the sick.

just kidding

but seriously...oh yeah, and the day before today, which would be yesterday, was awesome.

could you look me in the eyes and tell me that you're happy now? <3..lace..

guenevere

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 11:27:19 GMT

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like i'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if i love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than i gave you credit for
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that i've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if i love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

[[i'm a jerkface, apparently.]]

hello, good morning, how do you do, what makes your rising sun so new..

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 13:04:55 GMT

so the party.~ was a little crazy,haha it was pretty fun and i think for the most part everyone had a good time. i was really sad that perpetua didn't get there until really late because we all missed her and no one danced without her :(..it's all good though because i had a lottt of fun running around trying to talk to 50 million people at once.! then there were people who came to my house and didn't talk to me at all..and i was like *what gives...you're at my house..and you don't talk to me??* - well i didn't say that..but i was thinking it. i wasn't mad or anything, just a little confused as to why. also, it was great to talk to people/see people i never get to see. and..of course we played badmittoN! which was the greatest. and i got a shiny purse from sara/kristen!!!! and i was wayy too happy about it lol. everyone left around 12 or so, which was actually kind of nice because i was really tired. andd, rob and andy took ALL of my party favors haha because everyone forgot to take one.

well i'll write more later, because thinking about last night makes me very confused.

so i'm off for a run before church

~when you say that i'm one of a kind, baby i don't see it, but you believe that im so strong and true. i promise you..i'll try to be that kind of girl cause you love me like i am

<3

past the point of no return=my new favorite phantom song.

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 16:00:21 GMT

*past the point of no return, no backward glances.our games of make believe are at an end,past all thought of if or when, no use resisting, abandon thought and let the dream descend..*

i love it!! :-D it's great..that and *all i ask of you*..so the guy situation..i tried to be like *leave him alone* to myself. but now i'm not the one..well i'm not being forward anymore, more than i can help it at least..it's hard

oh ahah i have to interject here..this RETARDED senior just asked if martin luther king was american. haha and this ghetto kid was like *straight outta compton bitch*..it was really funny!

anyway, it's hard to stop smiling when we're talking..i mean i know i'm allowed to smile, but i know i shouldn't be thinking about what it would be like to be with him..because i'm not and i won't be! hah. and then i get a little mad at him because he's just leading me on..and i know he doesn't know that he crosses my mind..but that's a little mean, how could he not know something? but then i remember how happy i am to be talking with him..and i smile and get all girl-ish...but i would never do anything about it, seriously.

haha, speaking of which. i really want to go shoppping with rachel tonite for decorations and maybe a cute dress or a bikini or something..i think i've decided i want to get a black bikini with ties and a halter andd a cute lighter colored one for the beach in florida. :-*

i don't think i'll rock the bikini at my bday. haha. that'd be a little crazy and i don't want to offend. but maybe the dress or a skirt or something..not that it matters at all.! well, i have no idea who is attending still. a lot of rhema ppl are!! and that makes me really happy because i love them. a lot of mhs people, well not a lot..just a few, are being kind of not nice about it. and that hurts because this is like my see you later for awhile party..and i'm going to miss them a lot. but, if that's the way they want it..then that's the way it goes. *sad shrug*

and i'm sad because my dancing-wild-friend melissa p. can't come until 10!~ haha she brings out the craazy in me and hilarious and then we all have soo much fun. ha rob wyn and andy are coming though lol and they have some nice moves. i can still remember andy sending me his moonwalk tape hahaa, freshmen year..love the memories.

well timulak's class is almost over. still can't get that kid off my mind! i wonder what it would be like to give him a kiss on the cheek...becuase i'm a slut like that.

that's embarassing.!!!!!!

"if bridget were god..." - my kindred spirit- <3333

Timulak's "final solution"

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 15:55:36 GMT

haha..that's what his board says for our last project. "the final solution" i bursted out into a little laugh, which i passed off as a small cough, when i saw it..haha it's really not suprising considering he's such a racist, to the point that it's funny.

So i sit here, (almost done with born confused, but i don't want to be almost done, it's too great of a book. i've not studied for exams just so i could read more of it.) and i'm telling myself..don't think about guys..because the ones that you think about, are leading crazy happy lives loving other people, so don't bother them.! not that i would actively pursue anything with anyone right now..but i shouldn't even be thinking about it, it's a jerk thing to do. so instead i'll think about my parrttyyy.

haha, just kidding, i'm not even that excited. i can't do a bonfire (which sucks a little) because apparently..i'd burn the hood down. so..now i'm not sure how to set everything up, i'll have to check the weather to see if i should set stuff up outside. tonite i'll clean and bake cookies (after my shoot) and study for euro. but yay because rachel is coming over on saturday to help me get everything ready :-D! i also wish i had any idea who is coming...that would be good..lol. i also really want to look like a fox for my party haha. actually, just nice i guess..well i'm going to try to if i have the time to make an attempt.

oh crap, i have the shoot today!!. and i have no idea what to take..i haven't had the time..!!!!!!!!
now, the nervous-ness is setting in...well i have to go home and get it done i guess.

in other news, i don't know whether to stay in PA or go to FL,..i'm not sure whether i'm going to spain or aus. yet..probably spain..and i really miss my mom already. i sat at home last night alone until 9:30. which isn't too bad, but i kept expecting my mom to come home in like 5 minutes...but i kept realizing she wasnt...9:30 isn't too bad, but my dad has to fly a few missions these next 2 weeks, so that's days/nights home alone too. if i had a bf at this point, haha it would be nice to have the privacy (not that anything would happen..i guess it would have to be a guy i really trusted) but maybe i'll just have a few friends over

i have to go..timmy is yelling at me to print this paper out.

if i sing you one more song..baby would you come along xoxo <33

la tortura.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 00:04:45 GMT

"you're i-love-you-beautiful"

- how much would you die if a guy ever said that to you...i knowww i would. that line actually came up in a conversation i was having with mike about lines and i can't get it off my mind. but the guys that cross my mind right now are pretty much..just that..crossing my mind, there's no future there probably. so then i thought about what kind of guy i want to date..which lent itself to me making a *wanted list* haha. not that any guy will ever see it. ahah what if i made like an uncle same poster..i want you to date me..and i'd be pointing my finger with authority while winking of course...anyway! the list

- nice (not just to his friends or pretty girls or people who have a lot of impressive things/social status, but nice to everyone. a guy who sticks up for people and doesn't make fun of them)

-smart (we have to be able to hold an intelligent conversation..not on the meaning of life or anything right away haha..but..i really respect a guy who thinks about things more than just what's on the surface)

- sweet (the type who would bring me a flower, nothing major just a daisy or something, on a date with me..maybe i'm just saying that because i love flowers..and few guys do sweet things for me..i'm a sucker for the sweet things)

- respectful (of me and women in general, loves his family, doesn't feel the need to stare/make comments about girls on tv or in my presence, and doesn't have girl-calenders..i've learned from several experiences that's a huge sign of immaturity..and it's really annoying to be around disrespectful guys)

- appreciative (don't make me feel not good enough for you, don't make me feel like you could do better. haha pretend you think i'm gorgeous, because if i'm dating you, i probably think you're the best guy ever. if i do something nice, show that you like it...do something in return maybe?)

- funny (you have to be able to use/accept sarcasm excessively and make me laugh and laugh when i'm funny and tell me when i'm not)

- tolerant (i have a little bit of a temper at times..but hug me and i'll stop)

- intolerant (don't let me act like a bitch, if i'm being selfish, tell me to stop being a jerkface..i'll probably pout for a few seconds, but give me a hug, and tell me you love me. i have like a 2 second rebound rate)

- honest (tell me how you feel, when you're mad, when you love me, or when you don't, don't cheat and if you do..admit it)

- fun ( you have to be able to be a wierdo around me and me be a wierdo around you..and listen to awesome music with me and just be happy being together)

- boundaries (don't use me to try to get any...it's not happening. i don't want a relationship that's all physical)

-passion (on the other hand...you have to want to kiss me when you kiss me..no half-hearted blah-unfeeling stuff..i can't date someone who has no passion for me or anything else)

-a good friend (be my close friend before my boyfriend, don't treat me any way you wouldn't treat a friend, don't put me above friends..just in a different light. i respect and follow the hoes before bros rule haha)

- hott (to me, if you have this great of a personality..i probably think you're hott, but for it to work romantically, there has to be an attraction. i'm not going to lie)

- tall ( tall in this case means not really short. haha. i don't mind guys around my height, but don't make me feel like an ogre because i'm tall! i hate that because it's not like i can help it..i've embraced my tallness, so don't make me feel bad about it haha!)

-pretty eyes/hair (yeah..i mean, i love dark hair/eyes..that's like *my type* i guess..but it doesn't have to be the person i date, i kind of like the geeky-cute type too ha)

so basically i'm looking for a stand up guy, who knows how to be a gentlemen, but not servile at the same time. i'm pretty independent on the outside, but i like a guy who can bring out the side of me that wants someone to hold my hand. the sweeter side, i guess. someone who can tolerate me and not let me act stupid. most of all someone who would really want to be with me, and who i'd want to be with. so i want to get to know that guy..wherever he is! hurry up.

haha...if it's you, let me know xoxox.

oh yeah..i have a shoot tomorrow btw.!

yawn...

Thu, 26 May 2005 11:32:57 GMT

i'm so tired. maybe it's not even tired, it's just wishing i was still in my comfy bed. :o( ohhh well, we have about 10 days left. and we have monday off..anddd tomorrow night is the dodgeball tourn...i hope i go out before that, i'll feel like such a loser if i don't.

don't feel like typingggg.

so you could see one more sunrise.

Wed, 25 May 2005 14:25:12 GMT

so, QV seniors graduate tonite at rmu. that's pretty awesome since i love those kids! last night i went to their dodgeball practice..i was invited because. well i don't really know why, but he asked me to go. so i went. it was really hilarious. i love jc! every 3 seconds he was either singing *milkshake* or shouting *you're invincible* plus mike was jumping like 20 feet in the air over and over again haha and it was so unnecessary, so basically i loved it. well, i ended up getting stuck in sewickley until 9:30 which made me feel bad cause..i felt like i was imposing on *senior-time*....but....haha ireally had nowhere to go, until lauren got home and i went to hang out with her for awhile. which was awesome because i love lauren. then alyssa came home, (who i love too because she's sweet!) and seemed really annoyed by me and lauren watching cinderella story aha..which i really want to see the end of!! okay, enough rambling without purpose.

or not.

so, there's this guy..

nope, it's just not live journal material. haha, he's too awesome for typing it out here. i'll just say that he's the greatest, but that i should probably a. keep trying to supress how wonderful i think he is. or b. try to hide it better haha..

neither will happen probably.

ohh haha. eric murillo and ian lindberg are sitting next to me as i type this and we're having a convo. about dodgeball..their 2 of the best players on the *fighting irishmen* one of mhs's many dodgeball teams..ahah they're in the tournament with grey company on this friday. i think i'm going haha. and me and alyssa and lauren are making t-shirts..but nowww if the irishmen have an mhs fan-base..i'll feel like such a traitor!! i'll see who else is going from montour...maybe i'll cheer for the irishmen...haha play *hard to get* again, that probably won't happen. ill talk to ppl in j. maybe they're going

well, considering half my friends aren't talking to me in there, for no reason other than they're incredibly petty...that should be interesting

~ no one can resist when L. buckwalter puts on her shiny shoes. ;) haha jk jk.

i'm rick james bitch.

Mon, 23 May 2005 16:06:34 GMT

haha, we were just talking about what happened to dave chappelle. because basically no one knows..so now i'm just doing the rick james sayings in a kip voice because we're also talking about napoleon dynamite.

Which would you rather have/be?
House or apartment- both, apartment in a major city (nyc, la, milan, paris, london) and house in the country with my horses and my family! :)
Cell phone or pager-Cell phone
Dinner or a movie- depends,
Friends or money- Friends haha...but then again if i had money i could buy friends too..jk haha
Party or presents- Party
Soccer or basketball- Soccer! always.
Mt Dew or sprite- im going to represent for surge.
Long or short hair- depends..if i were cool enough i'd rock short hair, but i like my long hair too...on a guy, short hair if he's conventionally hott..shaggy hair if he's cute.
Popular or Smart- Smart, but not arrogantly so.
Actor or Singer- Singer probably
Poet or story writer- story writer. over emo. poetry makes me want to throw up..but ts elliot rocks my world.

Alphabet

A is for age: 16
B is for booze: haha. oh please.
C is for career: Philosopher/street lady
D is for dad's name: John
E is for essential items to bring to a party: depends. a gift, food if it's a close friend. and usually sense of humor/adventure makes things interesting
F is for favorite song at the moment: shakira- la tortura
G is for girlfriend: haha..in the black-girl sense?
H is for hometown: Robinsonnn represent. hahh
I is for instruments you play: piano, marimba, percussion stuff like that.
J is for jam or jelly you like: rasberry
K is for kids: Not just yet. hah probably 4 or so..i love kids
L is for living arrangements: house with mom and dad and occasionally my college-bro. and 2 cats, hopefully a dog soon.
M is for mom's name: Lizabeth. notice no 'E'
N is for name of your best friend(s): Maggie, Alyssa, Rachel,Sara, and more i'm sure i'm forgetting.
O is for overnight hospital stays: yeah, knee surgery = hypothermia-nauscious lacie.
Q is for quote you like: "where there is great love..there are always wishes"
R is for relationship that lasted the longest: 5 months approx.
no s? or t?
U is for unique trait: i have really tiny hands in relation to the rest of me. my ring finger is a size 5 or 4.
V is for vegetable you love: hot peppers hands down.
W is for worst trait: not thinking before i speak, being selfish.
X is for x-rays you've had: many.
Y is for something yellow: my flip-flop design.
Z is for zoology (favorite animal): Horses, i love them so much!

Firsts
First screen name: camoukitty62688....oh yeah..i know that's sexy. hahah
First piercing: eaars
First tattoo: i really really really want the tiny little heart on my hip lol someone take me to get it dammit! haha.
First credit card: i've used? or mine? O:)
First kiss: summer before highschool, kevin t. wojcik lol, it's pretty funny now.

Lasts
Last car ride: this morning to school
Last kiss: it's been awhile..
Last movie watched: can't remember..
Last beverage drank: rasberry lemonade gatoraide
Last food consumed: ummm....potatoe salad formy austria project
Last phone call: my mom
Last time showered: Last night
Last CD played: my cd player got stolen..:(
Last website visited: ywam.org

Favs
Fav. musician- i love too many, for the moment shakira and ben folds and everyone in the world
Fav. color- pink usually. or green.
Fav. food- hmm,..anything mexican usually
Fav. place to eat out- haha don pablos or something like that
Fav. Outfit- umm...polo shirt and distressed jean-skirt..
Fav. actor- ewan mcgregor
Fav. actress- um,. i dunno.
Fav. t.v. show- haha probably what not to wear, whose line, haha golden girls/nanny, oh yeah! ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT! my fav show ever.
Fav. Place to shop- I really like delias and tj lately. and thrifting is always fun too. and if i was a millionare harvey nix.!
Fav. Drink- some form of slushie or a banana/fudge milkshake from steak and shake
Fav. Animal- horses
Fav. Thing you own- my piano and my pearl bracelet and my canopy bed/alligator slippers
Fav. Thing to do- have fun with my friends,

Now
Single or Taken: single
Sex: Female
Birthday: june 26,

Sign: cancer
Siblings: wesley!
Hair color: blondes/
Eye color: blue...brown w/contacts
Shoe size: 8 ish
Height: 5'6"
Pets: 2 cats.
Thinking about: i can't wait until summer/ a boy i <3

one more thing.

Wed, 18 May 2005 11:47:17 GMT

:-D

echo.

Wed, 18 May 2005 11:45:14 GMT

hah woww, some of my entries are a bit dramatic. but i guess that's the point of a journal isn't it? to vent. yesterday was so surreal i don't feel like venting,i just feel thoughtful. i can't even write about it. i mean i try to think of something to type, but i end up getting lost in more thoughts. i think about everyone i saw, and a few choice moments, and the awesome guenevere poem....and make machinations, they're hopelessly optimistic daydreams..but i can't help it.! :-D

everything's so..everything, and i'm so everywhere,

i'm on crack haha sorry. i just..am floating right now. which is probably pathetic if i stopped to consider why i'm so elated. but..my hopes are so high for so many things, but it could easily all be in vain. it's craziness.

i'm going to go listen to music and study for dep...and try to stop being so lacie rae.

<333333333333333333 but who wants that?

the road less traveled

Mon, 16 May 2005 05:36:11 GMT

thank you so much my good friend,

-Lacie

3 pds later..researching old TS E. again

Thu, 12 May 2005 18:19:08 GMT

well, that's what i should be doing. but this is ap language and composition,a writing so what better to do with my time then actually compose something. that's my excuse anyway.i'm sick of j. alfred prufrock fore the moment anyway and i'm t.o.'d because someone stole my cd player and the volume on this computer doesn't work so i cant even search the mtv website for good videos. i have a lot of energy, which is worth mentioning because that's rare these days. energy that will be helpful when i'm filming the american dreams video with alyssa later on this evening. i'm pretty excited about that, and really excited to visit qv..i don't really know why, i just think it'll be really fun to run around a school that's not mine for a day. i'll probably get the weird looks of who-the-eff-is-that-freak-girl..but i really don't care, it'll be interesting either way, just to see what a day in a life of my other friends is like. a typical montour day is pretty dull, with the never ending announcements over the p.a. system and thug-loving kids with unneccessarily oversized jerseys rapping and so on.

speaking of montour kids. so there's this kid in my trig/argu class who seems like reallly nervous kind of around me? but it's not nervous-anxiety it's nervous-joking kind of ish. and it's not as if he likes me...i mean we're friends i think, but not even necessarily that good of friends so it's a little confusing. basically one of those things you just kind of shrug and raise your eyebrows at then keep on walking. i really don't know what's up with that, but alright.

american dreams video...i'm really excited. i think we're starting it at like 5 or so.

oh yeah. another announcement, band concert tonite..maybe i'll go.oh yeah! and movie day tickets are on sale tomorrow too, i sold them this morning haah. i still have to actually buy mine!

oh snap...bell's going to ring bias.

xxx..feeling x-rated today lol except not at all. <3 bee

ts elliot

Thu, 12 May 2005 16:06:12 GMT

do i dare
disturb the universe?
in a minute there is time
for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse

i love it so much.i don't think i'll ever be able to write as well as elliot or as well as LM Montgumery or L'Engle...i was reading over their books last night and for a few minutes i just stared choice sentences wondering whether or not i could make anything ordinary sound as beautiful or poetic as they do. bets are, probably not. i think i have a poetic spirit in a way..judging from my previous j project, but sometimes i think poetry goes down one of two annoying roads...overly-rhyme-y or ridiculously deep..both are irritating, especially when they're exalted as wonderful pieces of writing.

i simply remember my favortie things

Wed, 11 May 2005 11:56:50 GMT

yeah, i've been listening to a lot of *sound of music* lately because i'm doing this project for schaff-dawg on austria..so without explaining the whole thing, basically i'm going to change the words around to the songs and such for the presentation. plus, the *when the bee stings, when im feeling sad, i simply remember my favorite things and then i don't feel so bad* really actually puts me in a good mood because even when a few things aren't going so well, i listen to it and actually end up thinking about my favorite things and then i feel a lot better. the fact that julie andrews has that kind of power over me should make me embarassed, but it doesn't.! she's mary poppins too, so she's pretty much freakin sweet.

in important news, i'm really confused about a boy. but i'm pretty sure i was born confused and somehow the world around me just kind of thrived off that confusion until it grew up around me to become what it is. i'm confused about a kid, becuase he doesn't know who he is. i wonder if i know, if anyone knows. then i think about who does really know, and i'm a little jealous. who does he, who do i, reveal our true selves to? a stranger or worse a liar. not an intentional liar? which might even make it more confusing. amidst the nonsensicalness of this,..well considering it's 7 haha i think the philosophical-lace talk should STOP.!

and the bell just rang

love you very much all.!

flavor splash aquafina

Mon, 09 May 2005 11:56:07 GMT

i'm drinking it right now and it's the best. good thing too because i'm going to have to drink like 50 mil. bottles of water in order to lose enough weiight,(sigh by the way becuase i ran like 5 miles yesterday and i think my thyroid is slow again so i'm like royally fucked) in order to get a job modeling, in order to make enough money to go to ywam. basically i have to work 3 jobs to do it. lifegaurding, waitressing, and modelling, and maybe working for avon, i really have no idea, any job where i can make significant money. but that's work, who cares.

prom day went like this...got up..took the ap euro exam (cringe) haha i loved the *by jingo* question it was really amusingg. went to get my nails done, which was nice..got my hair done, the whole time i was sitting there i was like *im going to hate it* to myself, because my hair always turns bad. but suprisingly, i reallly really liked it and it stayed up like the whole night. so then i went home got ready and alex, who, on a side note,looked nice with his silver vest and tie tux with a black jacket that had a mandarin collar kind of, picked me up. we took pics outside and i was also really happy with the way my dress turned out/fitted me. we got lost on the way to prom haha and i had to go to the tastey freeze in my prom dress and ask for directions and got honked and gawked at by an entire baseball team..which is really what i was going for ;-) ha. well we got there, late, but i didn't really mind too much. we ate dinner and then..haha..the dancing...at first i was like...gay about it. but then not so much i really had a great time just being a -re with my friends, as stupid as that looks it's true. the afterparty was the only downside of the night, basically cause i get pissed off when people go around acting all innocent then turn their backs and try to be a hardass,...it's just like, could you be more fake? i really don't respect that, especially when i get lumped into the same group as them..it made me realize in that respect..i'm really not like them at all. i might swear and be sarcastic, but at least i'm genuine, god.

haa, after that rant, it actually wasn't that bad, i just was annoyed at the time. but i have to go..i'll write more about all this other great stuff that happened this weekend later..because it's really worth reading

prom-a-roma.

Thu, 05 May 2005 23:39:18 GMT

that's the name of our prom committee for anyone who doesn't know. so i was just thinking about it..all the hype about prom. how many teen movies plot revolves around the *big dance* the *biggest night of their lives*..well it's tomorrow...my one and only prom and i'm wondering if it'll fufill mine and everyone else's expectations. i mean, in thought, it's really romantic in a way, the ball gowns and tuxes and whatnot. the grinding may take away from the romantic aspect, just becuase it's like..sex in formal wear, which is actually kind of funny because who'd have thought one would relate to the other? i mean, afterwards maybe because both dates look "bangin" as it is...haha,sorry i'm joking when i'm actually meaning to be thoughtful here...i just want prom to be perfect. as teenage girl-y as that sounds, i honestly do. i even got perpetua to dance with me hah just to be like...confident about it..plus it was really funny. i hope i go and dance and not whimp out and just sit there..and have a great time..and again, as the teenage girl comes out,.and dance all night and has a really great time too.

well, i'm really excited and nervous..:-D

but euro calls

<3 love you, hope you don't mind..

it's been forever......and i hope no one reads this

Tue, 03 May 2005 15:16:17 GMT

so updates.

ap exams are hell on earth, i didn't finish the lang exam plus final in argumentation plus 2 more tests for tomorrow, and i'm getting sick, gaining weight, and losing sleep for absolutely no reason,which means i'm falling asleep in class, i can't play soccer,i had to go to my mom's *dr* yesterday and it was horrific, on top of that australia $ is now 10 grand, my grandma is getting surgery, my mom is going down to florida to help her until the fall, and i have to decide whether to go with her to help or stay here, doesn't really like me too much these days it seems, i'm fighting passively with my best friend, my password is stolen for my SAT registration, my prom dress still isn't finished and i don't have shoes or anything and it's in 3 days.....lastly, everyone is worried about me because i seem so WITHDRAWN.!!!!

so.....that's about the past few weeks. i'm actually not in a bad

(later on...)

mood because someone typed *way to be lacie* on my T1-83 calculator...i like to think that mr. depner did it because i got 100 on the last test (:-D! whooot! btw) but i know that's really unfounded. it's quite possible mr. depner has magical powers and could program it in through telekenesis, like carry or something. i'd much rather believe that depner is from the beyond or is some type of evil robot, than think someone just stole my calculator and typed that in, with the help of the alpha button.

still, either way, it was sweet, stalker-ish, but sweet..and it really made my day.

<3 happy wonderings.